I am going to try a new thing this year, at least for a little while to see how I like it. I'm going to start publishing more of my day-to-day thoughts and feelings on life and stuff. It's not going to be eloquent and there may not even being a beginning, middle or end, but I'm going to go ahead and do it anyway. Maybe I will learn something from the process. Maybe it will be a huge waste of time. But I'm doing it. So, if you're not looking for some journal-style, full up stream-of-consciousness writing, take a hard pass on the paragraphs that follow. Also, heads up, I'm a potty mouth in real life, so, be warned:
It's been a looooong ass winter. At least, it feels that way right this moment. And I know that's because we had three tantalizing days of gorgeous sunshine and 70 degree weather... I was running around outside in SHORTS. And a tanktop. In MARCH. And yes, there are some seriously scary points about climate change screaming in the back of my mind, but today while I am bundled up once more in my sweaters and wool socks and the fibro pain from all this weather change is messing with my sleep, I just want summer back and I want it now.
I am having one of those weeks -- scratch that -- months where everything is a goddamn fight. You feel me? Equipment in the studio on the fritz, photoshop is acting like a toddler with a never-ending-tantrum, my rescue cat is constantly starting fights with the fur siblings, there is never enough $ in my bank account, only 2 of the 4 seedlings lights I ordered are working, I have been over the flu for weeks now, but I still have this CONSTANT congestion and snot running down my nose, and the adobe draw app has decided it's allergic to air-dropping files 50% of the time... I think this is what shit must be like when everyone is saying, 'Mercury is in retrograde, hold on!!' Only, I don't think it's in retrograde now? Maybe??? Even just now I spilled some of my third cup of coffee (you saw that bit about not sleeping enough, right??) on my damn keyboard. FUCK!
Look, I know it's not very brand-conscious of me to admit to feeling this negative, and it's not like I feel this negative all the time. Generally speaking I like my job and I enjoy most aspects if my work-from-home life. But, right now I feel like the shit will not just stop hitting the damn fan. And I know my anxiety is working really hard to take minor things like a negative customer review (Dude, you left a negative review because you thought you ordered one thing but you actually ordered another -- in other words, give yourself the negative review for ordering the wrong thing!) and making them into massive, soul-crushing things that can take my self esteem for a thrashing bender.
I have gotten so much better at not letting things like this tear into me the way they used to. Soul crushing anxiety is definitely a thing and I have absolutely felt it. To my core. Haven't been able to sleep because I have been running the same interaction through my head a million times over and over again, hating myself for some tiny thing I said or did -- or sometimes a not-so-tiny thing, or sometimes for the thing(s) I didn't say or do.
I can say with such gratitude and sweet relief that those days wrought with pain over small interactions that don't mean so much in the long run, hardly ever happen anymore. But ooph. With all the stress lately, I can see them over my shoulder, giving me a long cold stare and a wave. Stress and anxiety go hand-in-hand, and I am so fully aware that they make my other health conditions so much worse.
So, yeah I am incredibly grateful that I have come this far in my mental wellness healing. And I am recognizing that I really need to take a step back and take care.